That Which Can Never Be Forgotten
by illogicallybold
Summary: Memories and emotions are fickle things. If one is forgotten, will the other remain?


What Was Forgotten – Illogically Bold

"You have to Jim!" Bones shouted, red-faced, hands fisted. Captain James Kirk stood with his back to the CMO, shoulders hunched, shaking his head negatively.

"Damn it Jim, if you don't he will die! Do you want your first officer to die?" the doctor growled, staring in disgust at his long time friend and commanding officer.

"Bones, you don't understand," was the weary reply. Blue eyes narrowed in frustration. Grabbing the dataPADD, McCoy thrust it into Jim's hands.

"The hell I don't understand, Captain. Those damn aliens screwed with his mind, but this time they told us how to fix it." He watched the captain flinch at his words. Raking a hand roughly through his hair, Leonard took a step back and sighed. "Look Jim, I know how important he is to you. Really I do, but if we don't break this connection they created between you two, he will die. It's a difficult decision, especially since it took you so long to build your friendship with him," Bones paused looking into the bloodshot tired eyes in front of him, "but if you want him to live…. you have to let him go."

"What kind of choice is this? There is no choice. Let Spock die knowing me or let him live without any memory of me. Where is the choice Bones?"

Jim swallowed the bile rushing up his throat at the mere thought of the Vulcan dead because he was too weak to let him go. They were so close… So _fucking_ close to coming together as one. So close to finally admitting their love to each other and then the universe steps in again, destroying the only thing Jim has truly loved and cherished in his life. A very small part of him was willing to let the Vulcan die, knowing he was loved however the other 99.9% of his consciousness knew the decision without thought. He could not and would not live without his Vulcan friend, even if it meant they would be strangers.

Straightening his back, Captain Kirk strode towards the exit, pausing as the door opened. "Have the healers cut the connection."

Before he could exit, Bones hesitated. "Do you want to say goodbye?"

Kirk's head fell, limp hair falling across his eyes.

"No."

The door to sickbay shut, echoing Kirk's response. CMO McCoy cursed viciously before storming to the computer and calling the Vulcan healer. Time was wasting.

Six hours later Kirk sat at his desk in the dark, listening to McCoy recount the success of the operation. Commander Spock would live and was able to return to active duty for the next rotation. There was a heavy silence after Bones had said his piece.

"He's asked for you," the southern man whispered softly, knowing he was about hurt his friend more than he may ever understand. He continued before Kirk could question his meaning. "He's asked to meet the captain… He remembers everyone, the missions he has completed, the star date, the death of his planet and mother, even his current research. He has a full working memory of everything but…" _you_ was left unsaid.

Kirk swallowed around the lump of despair lodged in his throat. "Is he dealing with the… gap?"

"He's accepted what is missing and is ready to move on." Jim sucked in a sharp breath, loud enough for McCoy to hear.

"Dammit! That's not what I meant Jim. You know that's not what I meant… Look why don't I stop by your quarters tonight with a nice bottle of bourbon and we can talk about this." Jim shook his head in the dark room, forcing his voice to normal tones.

"No, Bones. I need to… rest. Goodnight." Kirk cut the link before Bones could respond. As the silence of the room bore down on him, Kirk hunched over, gripping his knees as his breath came out in quick gasps. He knew he was hyperventilating, quickly on the verge of passing out, but he didn't care. He welcomed the cold darkness instead of the sharp pain larruping through his chest. As his vision began to grey around the edges, he pitched forward to the floor, drifting into darkness.

The Captain woke to the sound of his alarm clock ringing. He laid on the floor for several moments before remembering why he was there. Pushing up off the floor, he shut off the alarm and shoved the hollow feeling throbbing through his body to the back of his mind. Bridge duty started in 30 minutes and he needed to get ready. He was the captain and a professional. No matter his feelings on the matter of his first officer, he needed to keep himself together.

29 minutes later he was in the turbo lift about to step on the bridge. He blinked away the moisture his eyes accumulated, swallowed down his rising emotions and put on his command face. The lift opened and Captain Kirk strode onto the bridge.

Following his normal routine, he greeted his staff individually before turning to the science station, locking eyes with familiar but guarded brown ones. The same face, the same expression, but the emotion in his eyes was absent. He friend, a stranger, once more. McCoy stood between the two, eyes flicking back and forth.

"Commander Spock, this is Captain Kirk." The doctor introduced, looking for any type of recollection in the Vulcan, however all he saw was a controlled blank face.

"Captain, as I understand we have known each other for the past 3.78 years, even if I have no recollection of you." Kirk searched his face for any flash of their previous relationship, a softening of the eyes, a quirk of the lips; pushing away the disappointment when nothing was found. In that single moment Jim felt himself shatter irreversibly.

Raising his hand in the ta'al, he greeted the Vulcan, eyes looking past the science blue of his shoulder, before taking a seat in the command chair and reading the notes from gamma shift. He was dying with each breath he took because he had not known how painful his sacrifice would be until that very moment, looking into the face of his love and seeing a stranger.

In the quiet lull of alpha shift, Kirk's mind screamed in agony.

At the end of his shift, Jim was the first to leave as he noticed the young Vulcan maneuver his way through the transitioning bridge crew. Out the door, into the hall, the captain strode quickly knowing he had mere moments to escape the pursuit of the Vulcan. Crossing through a busy rec room and jumping into a partially closed lift, Jim was almost free. Setting the destination and disrupting the location of his person by hacking the computer, he took all the precautions he could.

Stepping off the lift, Kirk hesitated for a brief moment before entering the restricted room and locking the door with a medical override. The room was the weakest point on the whole ship, a domed observation room with floor to ceiling transparent metal. One could get lost in space in this room.

Collapsing to the floor, Jim rested his hands behind his head as his eyes wandered across the stars.

The Spock he knew was gone. The Spock he argued protocols with, played chess with, completed missions with, fought with, cherished…loved. The Spock he _knew_ with every fiber of his being… was gone and in his place was a lookalike. A lookalike who remembered everyone… _everyone_, but _him_.

Jim didn't know if he could do it again. Slowly build friendship with the Vulcan and not wish for the one he once was. Their friendship was sowed in miscommunication, and adrenaline; it took root in the blood of their crew, bloomed in the adversity they had faced and blossomed in the quiet companionship they fostered together. To look at the face of his beloved and know he was a stranger tortured him more thoroughly than Kodos ever did. Belatedly, as silver streams of saline caressed his cheeks, he accepted the fact that he was not strong enough to go through his life like that, always hoping for the other. He was a coward in love.

For hours he stayed there, mourning his loss silently with tears, surrounded by the cold expanse of space, until he surrendered to Morpheus-drifting into an uneasy sleep.

For two weeks this routine continued. Kirk was professionally courteous to his first officer when they worked on the bridge together, however there was always an excuse on the tip of his tongue for why they couldn't spend time together- status reports, personnel reviews, meetings with the admiralty, sleep… Kirk was prepared to avoid the Vulcan for the rest of their missions together, if need be. More often than Jim would admit, he found himself in the oval observation room, mind drifting uselessly with the passing space, until he fell into a restless sleep.

On one such night James woke to warm fingers gently carting through his hair. A soft sigh escaped his lips as he enjoyed the gentle caresses.

"You have been avoiding me, most thoroughly Captain." A calm familiar voice stated quietly, causing Jim to tense and the fingers to pause before continuing in their movements. Slowly in the heavy silence of the room, the human relaxed under the gentle petting.

"Memories and emotions are quite complicated and illogical. For instance the memory of you has been erased from my mind and all the data I have gathered from our engagements is your name, rank and affinity to hide from me." The tone was cool with a hint of frustration. Jim shifted, blinking his eyes open while trying to sit up, however a strong hand stopped his ascent, pushing him back to the floor.

"Commander, let me rise." Brown eyes intensely observed his expression, and then narrowed.

"We will finish this conversation, Captain and you will remain where you are… to ensure your cooperation." Jim attempted to rise again with the same results. Huffing in frustration and damning the Vulcan's strength, Jim crossed his arms and turned his attention to the passing stars.

"The memories of you are gone…" the human flinched and Spock could feel the dark abyss of emotions swirling across his captain's psyche as his fingers continued their journey through thick blond locks. "However, the emotions tied to you are not." Blue eyes peered uncertainly at softening brown.

"I may not remember how we came to be, _t'hy'la_, but I do recall the yearning I have for you. An unparalleled desire to be with, to erase you pain, to _cherish_ you…" a quiet strangled sob interrupted his calm words. Leaning over his human, the Vulcan whispered his final thought, lips barely brushing Kirk's with each word spoken. "Parted from me and never parted, never and always touching and touched. _We are t'hy'la. Nothing will take thee away from me. Nothing."_


End file.
